Wednesday, January 27, 2010 @ 7:36 PM
well, if that's love, it comes at much too high a cost.
 Whoever you are holding me now in hand, Without one thing all will be useless, I give you fair warning before you attempt me further, I am not what you supposed, but far different. Who is he that would become my follower? Who would sign himself a candidate for my affections? The ways is suspicious, the result uncertain, perhaps destructive. You would have to give up all else, I alone would expect to be your sole and exclusive standard. Your novitiate would even then be long and exhausting, The whole past theory of your life and all conformity to the lives around you would have to be abandon'd, Therefore release me now before troubling yourself any further, let go your hand from my shoulders, Put me down and depart on your way.
Walt Whitman: Leaves of Grass
- Life's been hectic lately. So tired, and so busy.
Yet another reason to leave this place. Would be nice to stay elsewhere, especially if life has a slower pace. But I guess I'll have to muddle through, for these two years at least. Finally had a wake-up call, especially after watching "An Education" (which was scripted by Nick Hornby!), and so I'm finally determined about working hard now to get my not-so amazing self into a relatively good university. I'll manage - hopefully.
In terms of the more emotional aspect of things - that can go die. Fulfilling something that my heartthinks (oh the irony of that phrase) for the short term is definitely not going to get me anywhere in the future. Sure, I like him, but as the lyrics in defying gravity go..."it comes at much too high a cost". Oh well.
Need to get back to concentrating and working. Loves x Wednesday, January 20, 2010 @ 7:45 PM
i don't want to give my heart to you, because i'm afraid of what will happen.
 Since I'm procrastinating again, I figured I might as well update my blog. I've been sick this morning, with a fever, and I'm still not feeling that well. Except I should go back to school tomorrow (I hate skipping school, especially since we're expected to catch up with a lot of work lately), and I miss my best friends. They kept me company today, since they went online at every opportunity, and I've been asleep most of the time, but I guess it would've been nice to be with them.
So. There's an Oedipus Rex essay waiting to be written, some extra maths revision wouldn't hurt, plus some French homework. A pile of work, yet I didn't do much today (since I was trying to sleep my sickness and fatigue off), and I'm still procrastinating.
Oh well.
Nothing much happened lately, except the fact that I finally divorced Justin. His whole "you can't disown me anymore than I can disown you" statement made me want to cut the relationship, which I did, and now he's supposedly engaged to Crys, which amuses me. But yeah, that's a relief, since I no longer have to deal with the whole "ANNA LOVES JUSTIN" and "You guys are married!"
But it's still not helping me cope. I've been so tired lately, hence falling ill and swooning (okay, I'm exaggerating a bit here), but it really does feel like I'm just going to collapse, and with an exam on Saturday, collapsing isn't the best idea. I'm already prepared to fail the SAT, since I know I haven't prepared as well as I should have, and I suck at multiple choice.
And things haven't been the greatest lately. He who has been making me happy lately hasn't been doing so these few days. Something happened, but I'm not too sure what, and it's been gnawing at me, bothering me in the deep pits of my stupid brain which won't concentrate at all. Hopefully it'll all be okay by the end of January.
Can't help thinking that this month is my doom. Maybe it's like...Caesar. Except I don't have a crazy soothsayer to remind me to "Beware the ides of January"
I better get going with that stupid Oedipus Essay. Is he a victim? Of course. But he's also stupid.
Good night peeps. Anna's going to concentrate. Loves.
Saturday, January 16, 2010 @ 11:12 PM
would you be surprised that you are on my mind?
 I've been kinda pathetic today, moping around and not being very constructive. I'm in one of those moods again, where I tend to get all emotional and want to cry at nothing. I stayed in bed until 2 P.M (despite sleeping at a...well...kinda decent hour), and just basically felt like crap when i woke up, turned around and forced myself to sleep again. Why so miserable? It's not liking I'm going through a bad break-up or anything.Heck, I think a break-up is what's needed. Although, technically speaking, how is a break-up possible when there wasn't a relationship to start with?
I'm going nuts.
Although, in all fairness, it's post-12, and I don't have anyone to chat with apart from N at the moment. But then again, it has nothing to do with my morning mood. I'm disappointed in myself to a certain extent, especially since I know I need to get my act together.
But, I just felt really bad this morning. But it's all over now (in terms of the bad, horrible "I want to die" mood).
Did some SAT prep this afternoon - I really think I'm going to fail now. Hopefully I can somehow cram some stuff in by the end of next week and HOPEFULLY get some decent mark. Or I'll really be in a permanent bad mood for the rest of the year.
Rewatched Time Traveller's Wife again today, since Mum didn't watch it before. It made me teary at the end (god - what is wrong with me today? So emotional), and Eric Bana is love. Loved him the most in The Other Boleyn Girl, even though he was a complete jerk in that one. He was pretty awesome in Star Trek too. But yeah. Hate the Alba girl, love the younger version of Claire. Book was a thousand times better than the movie though.
And speaking of books - I've been reading Tamora Pierce today, as a break from the Austen streak I've been going on. Finished the first book from the Protector of the Small Quartet, and tomorrow I'm either back to Persuasion (Austen), or I might decide to start Jacob's Room (Virginia Woolf). I'll see, depending on my mood.
Getting haircut tomorrow, stupid fringe is getting into my eyes, especially when I wear my contacts.
Also, just before I finish off...found a new artist called Brad Doggett on YouTube. His voice is pretty good :)
I'm out. Messed up post but whatever. I feel better - sort of. Still feel like skinning someone. Loves.
Friday, January 15, 2010 @ 11:01 PM
you're everything i need and more, it's written all over your face.
 Since you're reading this again (whoever you might be), this probably means I have sunken into another completely bored mood, and had some ideas floating in my head that I wanted written down. But more likely it's the boredom factor that's bringing me here again. I always have some ideas filled in my head. But I guess boredom's the main factor that really makes me want to write something down, since blogging serves as some sort of procrastination.
But anyhow.
Today, during our Athletic Finals, a conversation with R really got me thinking: what's the difference between infatuation and love? Infatuation is being wildly obsessed about someone (given this context), and thinking it through, is it not true that all those love stories, all the greatest novels in the world involving love, do the lovers not share the same symptoms as infatuation? Your head gets clouded with thoughts of that person, and that person only...everything you think about, talk about can somehow relate back to that certain him who's special there in your heart. All the usual clichés: heart skips a beat, butterflies in your stomach when you see him, can't meet his gaze, blush, always try and see him - one second without each other is absolutely unbearable. Especially for a girl, who has always had fantasies about meeting the perfect guy, the Mr. Darcy to Elizabeth Bennett, the Romeo to Juliet, the Mr. Rochester to Jane Eyre, there's undoubtedly connotations between infatuation and true love. But what does it mean to truly love someone? Is it really what most people experience - that bubbly need to always be there with him, to want him to hold you in his arms, whisper quietly "I love you", and then have him love you as much as you need him? Love exists, in many forms, and this infatuation, true, it may be considered as a type of love, but is it really what we strive for in life? All the romance novels that I've read, may it be Pride and Prejudice, Jane Eyre or more modern books by Nora Roberts, Sophie Kinsella or even Stephanie Meyer, the couple are always being portrayed to be falling in love, and maybe plans to get married. Not many books out there might accurately portray the meaning of love. The clichéd, traditional signs of being in love simply are another way of saying that you are, in fact, infatuated with someone.
So does someone as cynical as I am believe that "love forever" a myth then? The answer, unfortunately for myself, is no. If you get to know a person well enough, you will start to care about them. I truly believe that there is {love}, but it's just not that chemical, passionate, heat-burning love that you first experience when you supposedly fall in love with them. Jane Austen (undoubtedly one of my favourite authors of all time) explored the differences between marriage and love. Why was Sense and Sensibility a must-read for young women? The portrayal of Marianne, her journey from love, love lost and then marriage was undoubtedly one of the most inspiring for me, especially as Marianne didn't end up with Willoughby, whom most would have thought she would. In a relationship, there's bound to be one who cares more for the other, and in Marianne's case, money and affluence was chosen above the love she could have given to Willoughby, thus the loss of the novel's heroine is no one's fault but Willoughby himself. But what Jane Austen really showed, in my opinion, was the relationship between love and marriage. Austen's point in this novel, in my opinion, is that when you start caring about someone, or spending a lot more time with them, you start to love them, despite the flaws (unless it was some sort of deep hatred).
But loving someone - what does that really mean? In a relationship, there will always be someone who loves the other more. Using Sense and Sensibility again as an example, Marianne clearly loved Willoughby more, as Willoughby was willing to give their love up in order to gain affluence (or so I would assume). So between two people, there will always be some degree of heartbreak (to be on the pessimistic side). Love is selfish; with some sort of input, you expect to receive output, which may not always necessarily be there. But does this mean that as a person who loves more than the other, you should just let it be because you love them so much, so so much? Why should you? Sure, t'is better to have loved and lost, than to have never have loved at all, but love is mutual. It does take two to tango afterall, and with an unwilling partner, or a clumsy one (metaphorically speaking) who steps on your feet every 10 seconds while you gracefully take the dance floor - is he really worth the time, or should you move on and try and find a better dancer? Loving someone is to be there to support and care, to want to be there with him, to enjoy the silences and the conversations, to be carried away for hours without realising the lost time, to feel happy as a panda with bamboo when he smiles at you and squeezes your hand. but sometimes when the happiness fades, when it gets too much to handle, you should also know how to let go and just smile at the memories.
Are you still reading my blab? Well done. Here, have an invisible cookie. I guess some of my thoughts + what has happened lately got me thinking and off on some rant. There's much more, I assure you, but I really don't want to be typing up an extended-essay length rant here. Or have I done that already?
But yeah. It's time to focus and stop going astray off the path; namely, being able to kick some ass, study hard, aim for and reach the stars. I've been distracted, and thinking it through, it's time to study study study. Aim for that awesome university Anna!
Boyfriends don't last forever, let alone a simple small infatuation with a boy who seems to see right through me. Or does he really? Who knows. But for now, whatever. Nothing will ever come out of this relationship, and friends always last longer than anything to do with love (or is it hormones?). <<還是好朋友, 比愛人更長久>> But if he asked me out, I'm not too sure of what my answer may be. But there's only a minimal chance of that. Actually, minimal is an overstatement.
Now it's 12:00 AM here. Time to stop procrastinating. Loves!
Saturday, January 9, 2010 @ 9:04 PM
when you and i said goodbye, i felt the angels cry.
Today was a relatively normal Saturday - slept until 12 (since I ended up sleeping rather late), and then went out to TC with my parents. Managed to replenish my stock of contact lenses, and fix my glasses. Then just walked around for a while, looking around in some shops.
Afterwards, got back home and started watching The Loss of a Teardrop Diamond, which is a movie that was released in 2008 (I think), and is a script of Tennessee Williams' which was never made into a film. I think, objectively, that it wasn't a very entertaining film, and the story was interesting, but quite choppy at times. It was obviously a Williams' piece though - the references to the mental asylum and the southern setting was almost impossible to overlook (so impossible that I somewhat started to analyse the film in a literary way...). Comparatively speaking though, I saw many parallelisms between this one and A Streetcar Named Desire, and found this one quite dull in comparison. Maybe it was the lack of Brando, maybe it was because the sheer brilliance of the insanity of Blanche couldn't quite be reflected in the character of Fisher Willow. Either way, it was an...interesting film I guess. One of the most memorable quotes (that I actually bothered to jot down while watching the movie) was: it's because you want somebody to love you that you love, and you don't know how to arrange that. And not all the teardrop diamonds lost and found can arrange that. At the ending of the film (spoiler alert for any of you out there who actually want to watch another Tennessee Williams movie after all that Streetcar we did in Term 1), the fact she asks the main male lead, James Dobyne, to settle for her just annoyed me like mad. Why should she want to marry him anyways? He went and deliberately made her life difficult at that party, ended up hooking up with some random girl who stole the diamond earrring in the first place, and then he's asked to settle for her? For me, that just doesn't make any sense. Although I immensely enjoyed the piano scene where she was going crazy and playing the piano like crazy. Parallelisms for me in real life? - to a certain extent. I know that when I'm all emotional, I like to hammer a few notes on my piano to make myself feel better.
Apart from all that, I guess today was a pretty normal, wasted day. I did nothing at all, and since I'm getting a slight headache, I highly doubt that I will be doing any work later on tonight. Although one can never stop hoping that I will finally get some sense in my head that I need to start working a lot.
Also, need to brainstorm ideas for my extended essay. I was originally considering to write it based on a mix of English and Geography - maybe something such as gender inequality as expressed in A Thousand Splendid Suns, but my Mum convinced me that it was a politically sensitive issue that might potentially cost me marks. I then thought of the idea of "Why did Jane Austen never marry?", and answer that question through analysing her views on the conventions of love and marriage from her novels. Although just an idea, but nonetheless, I think I'm pretty set on either of these two subject areas. Not really interested in writing 4000 words on anything else...
Now, back to being bored and doing nothing. I've reverted back to playing Restaurant City on Facebook since I really have nothing better to do, and I'm getting ignored on MSN, N went out for dinner and F...well she just got back from reading Wicked Lovely (which I lent her...ironically I made her ignore me). B went off to eat Sushi with Chris. And I have no more movies to watch, unless I start rewatching. Sigh.
Oh, and here's a little comic that made me smile.
Ohwell. I'm going to stop blogging now, and see if I can get rid of this stupid headache and then do something constructive. Like learning vocabulary and start using it in these posts and confuse you guys who actually bother reading my random spam of words.
But for now... Goodbye.
Friday, January 8, 2010 @ 10:42 PM
how can i move on when i'm still in love with you?
 I wonder how long this updating blog on a regular basis will actually keep up. It just feels good lately to spill my heart out somewhere, and typing is just somewhat faster than my stupid notebook (or diary, I guess), and my messy writing gets unbearable after a while.
So, what happened between yesterday and today? Surprisingly, not much.
But I guess I might as well type some stuff out, since I have nothing better to do. I want to stay up for a while, because there's actually someone worth staying up for...but I don't know. Maybe when sleep overcomes me, I'll just ditch and run away. That always works.
So today. The day started off with a very fun Chemistry lesson, which took up 2 hours 10 minutes. Hurray for listening to Ms.Lee drone on and on about the beauties of the shapes of molecules, bonded pairs and lone pairs. I guess the highlight of Chem today was probably the exercise at the end where we try to show the bonds that certain compounds had. The lesson all went wrong at this point, where the guys in our class were being very mature about the shape of the balloons, and what they could make out of them (phallic anyone?). At one point, I heard that one of the guys stuck the...interesting shape in his pants, and walked into a classroom. Obviously a teacher who could handle a joke, and so he wasn't screwed for it. It amazes me when it comes to the maturity of the guys in my year though. 16 year olds - you would think that they were past the part where they still get all excited over it, but what can I say? They're guys.
Free period was good, since I didn't need to use my brain, and Geo was so-so. We got shown a picture of the UK though, and the heavy amounts of ice covering the land really reminded me of The Day After Tomorrow. The global climate change is getting quite obvious - and it amazes me how many ignorant people are still out there, proclaiming that it doesn't exist. I think added with a the data, it is a pretty obvious thing. Despite the fact that it has happened before, it doesn't change the fact that industrial progress is actually speeding the whole process up, and can potentially cause more damage than previous examples. I guess for now, when the effects aren't yet as obvious, the benefits in terms of economical and personal gain will always come before the environment. Amazing how selfish mankind can be, yet as a person who says this, I can't definitely say that I'm any better.
Maths was last, and it was generally quite dull. Our brains all exploded after 40 mins of curve sketching, and we all started to go off topic and not concentrate. After all that, we went to watch Sherlock Holmes. Although it didn't really follow my old impressions of the book, but it was entertaining to watch. Added on top of all that, I was also entertained somewhat by the fact Fran was sitting next to her Ryan (I stopped using letter references, since I read back to my old posts, and couldn't remember who I actually went out with...talk about fail.). Was a good night, but now I'm just waiting for it to be even better.
Maybe it'll get better tonight, who knows?
Waiting is always the hardest part. But I just need to do it for a little longer. Loves.
Sunday, January 3, 2010 @ 10:23 AM
but i got tired of waiting, wondering if you were ever coming around.
 Another year has come and passed, and it's been months since I've updated my blog. Oh well. Let's try and catch up with everything!
GCSE grades were generally good (7A*s, 2As), and IB's been a pain. Been really really busy lately, with all the work and IAs, IOPs, and catching up with stuff in general. It's pathetic how little sleep I've been getting, and I've even been sleeping at 2AM occasionally. It's the first week back from 2 weeks of holiday, and I'm already tired as hell. Heck, I even stayed up until 3 one day to finish a Chem IA (which wasn't even due the next day, ironically.)
But the holidays were good. Beijing was good. Although I didn't get to spend it with friends, it felt nice (higher level English, and the best adjective I could come up with was nice) to escape all the drama and the harsh realities of life (oh dear, I'm starting to sound like Blanche now...). I mean, it was like being stuck in this little separate bubble of mine, with no connection to the normal, hectic life with my classmates. I missed a few peeps like mad, especially F, N, B, P and K, but two weeks still passed relatively fast, especially with my immense amount of sleeping haha. Read a lot of books during those two weeks too, and so it was cool.
Lately I'm preparing for my actual SATs. After getting a 800 for my Chinese SAT (which was pretty easy - I walked in with absolutely no prep at all...), I guess my expectations of myself are pretty high. Especially the fact that I get a new iPod if I manage to get over 2000 points. Ironically, I've been fiddling with my blog and writing this post when I told my mum that I'd be revising SAT material. Ohwell. It'll all work out (I hope). I'll...just focus more during the weekend! Yes, the weekend.
But it's been good to be back to the "normal" life - if anything in my life can be considered to be "normal" - and to be back with friends and back with studies is satisfying to a certain degree. Although there's been a bit too much drama for my liking lately, it's turning out to be a promising start to a promising year. The level 7 I got for my IOP didn't hurt, at all.
Reading Sense and Sensibility, by Jane Austen, and it really is an amazing book. When do we need to use our sense, and when do we need to be passionate and fiery and just do rather than think about the consequences? I think that is still a question that I, myself, need to answer and I definitely need to find a balance between the two. Sometimes I would blurt out the most random things out before thinking it through clearly, and I guess that's probably what makes being friends with me difficult sometimes. Oh well, not my problem. I'm not the one who has to BEAR with myself.
Oh well. Back to doing nothing constructive. I wish he would talk to me instead of just...being online and not talking at all. I envision myself stabbing him to little pieces now.
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profile
introduction
ANNAZHOU
ABOUT ME
female. age 16. may 29 1993. high school student. chinese. random. hard to follow at times.
KNOWN AS
anna. banana. face. banana face. facey. space. bear. ketchup. panda. spanna.
LOVES
family. friends. books. the internet. english literature. teddy bears. being random. photography. running in the rain. reading beautiful poetry. watching lame tv series. looking at the stars. hugs.
conversations with no particular topic. cute flash games. kitty cats.cookies. pasta. tiramisu. caramel. happily ever afters.
DISLIKES
snakes. arrogance. twilight series. miley cyrus. two-faced people. tragic break-ups. missed opportunities. unrequited love.
MUSIC LOVES.
your love is a song [switchfoot]. falling down [space cowboy]. fallin for you [colbie caillat]. the saltwater room [owl city]. whatcha say [jason derulo]. someday we'll know [mandy moore; jon foreman]. crazier [taylor swift]. true colours [glee cast].
love story [taylor swift]. vanilla twilight [owl city]. you belong with me [taylor swift]. hold me in your arms [pixie lott]. if i had you [adam lambert]. good life [one republic]. white horse [taylor swift]. for your entertainment [adam lambert]. the other side of the door [taylor swift].
i'm not that girl[idina menzel]. lost then found [leona lewis; one republic]. droplets [colbie caillat; jason reeves]
Best viewed with Chrome/Firefox.
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Wednesday, January 27, 2010 @ 7:36 PM
well, if that's love, it comes at much too high a cost.
Whoever you are holding me now in hand, Without one thing all will be useless, I give you fair warning before you attempt me further, I am not what you supposed, but far different. Who is he that would become my follower? Who would sign himself a candidate for my affections? The ways is suspicious, the result uncertain, perhaps destructive. You would have to give up all else, I alone would expect to be your sole and exclusive standard. Your novitiate would even then be long and exhausting, The whole past theory of your life and all conformity to the lives around you would have to be abandon'd, Therefore release me now before troubling yourself any further, let go your hand from my shoulders, Put me down and depart on your way.
Walt Whitman: Leaves of Grass
- Life's been hectic lately. So tired, and so busy.
Yet another reason to leave this place. Would be nice to stay elsewhere, especially if life has a slower pace. But I guess I'll have to muddle through, for these two years at least. Finally had a wake-up call, especially after watching "An Education" (which was scripted by Nick Hornby!), and so I'm finally determined about working hard now to get my not-so amazing self into a relatively good university. I'll manage - hopefully.
In terms of the more emotional aspect of things - that can go die. Fulfilling something that my heartthinks (oh the irony of that phrase) for the short term is definitely not going to get me anywhere in the future. Sure, I like him, but as the lyrics in defying gravity go..."it comes at much too high a cost". Oh well.
Need to get back to concentrating and working. Loves x Wednesday, January 20, 2010 @ 7:45 PM
i don't want to give my heart to you, because i'm afraid of what will happen.
Since I'm procrastinating again, I figured I might as well update my blog. I've been sick this morning, with a fever, and I'm still not feeling that well. Except I should go back to school tomorrow (I hate skipping school, especially since we're expected to catch up with a lot of work lately), and I miss my best friends. They kept me company today, since they went online at every opportunity, and I've been asleep most of the time, but I guess it would've been nice to be with them.
So. There's an Oedipus Rex essay waiting to be written, some extra maths revision wouldn't hurt, plus some French homework. A pile of work, yet I didn't do much today (since I was trying to sleep my sickness and fatigue off), and I'm still procrastinating.
Oh well.
Nothing much happened lately, except the fact that I finally divorced Justin. His whole "you can't disown me anymore than I can disown you" statement made me want to cut the relationship, which I did, and now he's supposedly engaged to Crys, which amuses me. But yeah, that's a relief, since I no longer have to deal with the whole "ANNA LOVES JUSTIN" and "You guys are married!"
But it's still not helping me cope. I've been so tired lately, hence falling ill and swooning (okay, I'm exaggerating a bit here), but it really does feel like I'm just going to collapse, and with an exam on Saturday, collapsing isn't the best idea. I'm already prepared to fail the SAT, since I know I haven't prepared as well as I should have, and I suck at multiple choice.
And things haven't been the greatest lately. He who has been making me happy lately hasn't been doing so these few days. Something happened, but I'm not too sure what, and it's been gnawing at me, bothering me in the deep pits of my stupid brain which won't concentrate at all. Hopefully it'll all be okay by the end of January.
Can't help thinking that this month is my doom. Maybe it's like...Caesar. Except I don't have a crazy soothsayer to remind me to "Beware the ides of January"
I better get going with that stupid Oedipus Essay. Is he a victim? Of course. But he's also stupid.
Good night peeps. Anna's going to concentrate. Loves.
Saturday, January 16, 2010 @ 11:12 PM
would you be surprised that you are on my mind?
I've been kinda pathetic today, moping around and not being very constructive. I'm in one of those moods again, where I tend to get all emotional and want to cry at nothing. I stayed in bed until 2 P.M (despite sleeping at a...well...kinda decent hour), and just basically felt like crap when i woke up, turned around and forced myself to sleep again. Why so miserable? It's not liking I'm going through a bad break-up or anything.Heck, I think a break-up is what's needed. Although, technically speaking, how is a break-up possible when there wasn't a relationship to start with?
I'm going nuts.
Although, in all fairness, it's post-12, and I don't have anyone to chat with apart from N at the moment. But then again, it has nothing to do with my morning mood. I'm disappointed in myself to a certain extent, especially since I know I need to get my act together.
But, I just felt really bad this morning. But it's all over now (in terms of the bad, horrible "I want to die" mood).
Did some SAT prep this afternoon - I really think I'm going to fail now. Hopefully I can somehow cram some stuff in by the end of next week and HOPEFULLY get some decent mark. Or I'll really be in a permanent bad mood for the rest of the year.
Rewatched Time Traveller's Wife again today, since Mum didn't watch it before. It made me teary at the end (god - what is wrong with me today? So emotional), and Eric Bana is love. Loved him the most in The Other Boleyn Girl, even though he was a complete jerk in that one. He was pretty awesome in Star Trek too. But yeah. Hate the Alba girl, love the younger version of Claire. Book was a thousand times better than the movie though.
And speaking of books - I've been reading Tamora Pierce today, as a break from the Austen streak I've been going on. Finished the first book from the Protector of the Small Quartet, and tomorrow I'm either back to Persuasion (Austen), or I might decide to start Jacob's Room (Virginia Woolf). I'll see, depending on my mood.
Getting haircut tomorrow, stupid fringe is getting into my eyes, especially when I wear my contacts.
Also, just before I finish off...found a new artist called Brad Doggett on YouTube. His voice is pretty good :)
I'm out. Messed up post but whatever. I feel better - sort of. Still feel like skinning someone. Loves.
Friday, January 15, 2010 @ 11:01 PM
you're everything i need and more, it's written all over your face.
Since you're reading this again (whoever you might be), this probably means I have sunken into another completely bored mood, and had some ideas floating in my head that I wanted written down. But more likely it's the boredom factor that's bringing me here again. I always have some ideas filled in my head. But I guess boredom's the main factor that really makes me want to write something down, since blogging serves as some sort of procrastination.
But anyhow.
Today, during our Athletic Finals, a conversation with R really got me thinking: what's the difference between infatuation and love? Infatuation is being wildly obsessed about someone (given this context), and thinking it through, is it not true that all those love stories, all the greatest novels in the world involving love, do the lovers not share the same symptoms as infatuation? Your head gets clouded with thoughts of that person, and that person only...everything you think about, talk about can somehow relate back to that certain him who's special there in your heart. All the usual clichés: heart skips a beat, butterflies in your stomach when you see him, can't meet his gaze, blush, always try and see him - one second without each other is absolutely unbearable. Especially for a girl, who has always had fantasies about meeting the perfect guy, the Mr. Darcy to Elizabeth Bennett, the Romeo to Juliet, the Mr. Rochester to Jane Eyre, there's undoubtedly connotations between infatuation and true love. But what does it mean to truly love someone? Is it really what most people experience - that bubbly need to always be there with him, to want him to hold you in his arms, whisper quietly "I love you", and then have him love you as much as you need him? Love exists, in many forms, and this infatuation, true, it may be considered as a type of love, but is it really what we strive for in life? All the romance novels that I've read, may it be Pride and Prejudice, Jane Eyre or more modern books by Nora Roberts, Sophie Kinsella or even Stephanie Meyer, the couple are always being portrayed to be falling in love, and maybe plans to get married. Not many books out there might accurately portray the meaning of love. The clichéd, traditional signs of being in love simply are another way of saying that you are, in fact, infatuated with someone.
So does someone as cynical as I am believe that "love forever" a myth then? The answer, unfortunately for myself, is no. If you get to know a person well enough, you will start to care about them. I truly believe that there is {love}, but it's just not that chemical, passionate, heat-burning love that you first experience when you supposedly fall in love with them. Jane Austen (undoubtedly one of my favourite authors of all time) explored the differences between marriage and love. Why was Sense and Sensibility a must-read for young women? The portrayal of Marianne, her journey from love, love lost and then marriage was undoubtedly one of the most inspiring for me, especially as Marianne didn't end up with Willoughby, whom most would have thought she would. In a relationship, there's bound to be one who cares more for the other, and in Marianne's case, money and affluence was chosen above the love she could have given to Willoughby, thus the loss of the novel's heroine is no one's fault but Willoughby himself. But what Jane Austen really showed, in my opinion, was the relationship between love and marriage. Austen's point in this novel, in my opinion, is that when you start caring about someone, or spending a lot more time with them, you start to love them, despite the flaws (unless it was some sort of deep hatred).
But loving someone - what does that really mean? In a relationship, there will always be someone who loves the other more. Using Sense and Sensibility again as an example, Marianne clearly loved Willoughby more, as Willoughby was willing to give their love up in order to gain affluence (or so I would assume). So between two people, there will always be some degree of heartbreak (to be on the pessimistic side). Love is selfish; with some sort of input, you expect to receive output, which may not always necessarily be there. But does this mean that as a person who loves more than the other, you should just let it be because you love them so much, so so much? Why should you? Sure, t'is better to have loved and lost, than to have never have loved at all, but love is mutual. It does take two to tango afterall, and with an unwilling partner, or a clumsy one (metaphorically speaking) who steps on your feet every 10 seconds while you gracefully take the dance floor - is he really worth the time, or should you move on and try and find a better dancer? Loving someone is to be there to support and care, to want to be there with him, to enjoy the silences and the conversations, to be carried away for hours without realising the lost time, to feel happy as a panda with bamboo when he smiles at you and squeezes your hand. but sometimes when the happiness fades, when it gets too much to handle, you should also know how to let go and just smile at the memories.
Are you still reading my blab? Well done. Here, have an invisible cookie. I guess some of my thoughts + what has happened lately got me thinking and off on some rant. There's much more, I assure you, but I really don't want to be typing up an extended-essay length rant here. Or have I done that already?
But yeah. It's time to focus and stop going astray off the path; namely, being able to kick some ass, study hard, aim for and reach the stars. I've been distracted, and thinking it through, it's time to study study study. Aim for that awesome university Anna!
Boyfriends don't last forever, let alone a simple small infatuation with a boy who seems to see right through me. Or does he really? Who knows. But for now, whatever. Nothing will ever come out of this relationship, and friends always last longer than anything to do with love (or is it hormones?). <<還是好朋友, 比愛人更長久>> But if he asked me out, I'm not too sure of what my answer may be. But there's only a minimal chance of that. Actually, minimal is an overstatement.
Now it's 12:00 AM here. Time to stop procrastinating. Loves!
Saturday, January 9, 2010 @ 9:04 PM
when you and i said goodbye, i felt the angels cry.
Today was a relatively normal Saturday - slept until 12 (since I ended up sleeping rather late), and then went out to TC with my parents. Managed to replenish my stock of contact lenses, and fix my glasses. Then just walked around for a while, looking around in some shops.
Afterwards, got back home and started watching The Loss of a Teardrop Diamond, which is a movie that was released in 2008 (I think), and is a script of Tennessee Williams' which was never made into a film. I think, objectively, that it wasn't a very entertaining film, and the story was interesting, but quite choppy at times. It was obviously a Williams' piece though - the references to the mental asylum and the southern setting was almost impossible to overlook (so impossible that I somewhat started to analyse the film in a literary way...). Comparatively speaking though, I saw many parallelisms between this one and A Streetcar Named Desire, and found this one quite dull in comparison. Maybe it was the lack of Brando, maybe it was because the sheer brilliance of the insanity of Blanche couldn't quite be reflected in the character of Fisher Willow. Either way, it was an...interesting film I guess. One of the most memorable quotes (that I actually bothered to jot down while watching the movie) was: it's because you want somebody to love you that you love, and you don't know how to arrange that. And not all the teardrop diamonds lost and found can arrange that. At the ending of the film (spoiler alert for any of you out there who actually want to watch another Tennessee Williams movie after all that Streetcar we did in Term 1), the fact she asks the main male lead, James Dobyne, to settle for her just annoyed me like mad. Why should she want to marry him anyways? He went and deliberately made her life difficult at that party, ended up hooking up with some random girl who stole the diamond earrring in the first place, and then he's asked to settle for her? For me, that just doesn't make any sense. Although I immensely enjoyed the piano scene where she was going crazy and playing the piano like crazy. Parallelisms for me in real life? - to a certain extent. I know that when I'm all emotional, I like to hammer a few notes on my piano to make myself feel better.
Apart from all that, I guess today was a pretty normal, wasted day. I did nothing at all, and since I'm getting a slight headache, I highly doubt that I will be doing any work later on tonight. Although one can never stop hoping that I will finally get some sense in my head that I need to start working a lot.
Also, need to brainstorm ideas for my extended essay. I was originally considering to write it based on a mix of English and Geography - maybe something such as gender inequality as expressed in A Thousand Splendid Suns, but my Mum convinced me that it was a politically sensitive issue that might potentially cost me marks. I then thought of the idea of "Why did Jane Austen never marry?", and answer that question through analysing her views on the conventions of love and marriage from her novels. Although just an idea, but nonetheless, I think I'm pretty set on either of these two subject areas. Not really interested in writing 4000 words on anything else...
Now, back to being bored and doing nothing. I've reverted back to playing Restaurant City on Facebook since I really have nothing better to do, and I'm getting ignored on MSN, N went out for dinner and F...well she just got back from reading Wicked Lovely (which I lent her...ironically I made her ignore me). B went off to eat Sushi with Chris. And I have no more movies to watch, unless I start rewatching. Sigh.
Oh, and here's a little comic that made me smile.
Ohwell. I'm going to stop blogging now, and see if I can get rid of this stupid headache and then do something constructive. Like learning vocabulary and start using it in these posts and confuse you guys who actually bother reading my random spam of words.
But for now... Goodbye.
Friday, January 8, 2010 @ 10:42 PM
how can i move on when i'm still in love with you?
I wonder how long this updating blog on a regular basis will actually keep up. It just feels good lately to spill my heart out somewhere, and typing is just somewhat faster than my stupid notebook (or diary, I guess), and my messy writing gets unbearable after a while.
So, what happened between yesterday and today? Surprisingly, not much.
But I guess I might as well type some stuff out, since I have nothing better to do. I want to stay up for a while, because there's actually someone worth staying up for...but I don't know. Maybe when sleep overcomes me, I'll just ditch and run away. That always works.
So today. The day started off with a very fun Chemistry lesson, which took up 2 hours 10 minutes. Hurray for listening to Ms.Lee drone on and on about the beauties of the shapes of molecules, bonded pairs and lone pairs. I guess the highlight of Chem today was probably the exercise at the end where we try to show the bonds that certain compounds had. The lesson all went wrong at this point, where the guys in our class were being very mature about the shape of the balloons, and what they could make out of them (phallic anyone?). At one point, I heard that one of the guys stuck the...interesting shape in his pants, and walked into a classroom. Obviously a teacher who could handle a joke, and so he wasn't screwed for it. It amazes me when it comes to the maturity of the guys in my year though. 16 year olds - you would think that they were past the part where they still get all excited over it, but what can I say? They're guys.
Free period was good, since I didn't need to use my brain, and Geo was so-so. We got shown a picture of the UK though, and the heavy amounts of ice covering the land really reminded me of The Day After Tomorrow. The global climate change is getting quite obvious - and it amazes me how many ignorant people are still out there, proclaiming that it doesn't exist. I think added with a the data, it is a pretty obvious thing. Despite the fact that it has happened before, it doesn't change the fact that industrial progress is actually speeding the whole process up, and can potentially cause more damage than previous examples. I guess for now, when the effects aren't yet as obvious, the benefits in terms of economical and personal gain will always come before the environment. Amazing how selfish mankind can be, yet as a person who says this, I can't definitely say that I'm any better.
Maths was last, and it was generally quite dull. Our brains all exploded after 40 mins of curve sketching, and we all started to go off topic and not concentrate. After all that, we went to watch Sherlock Holmes. Although it didn't really follow my old impressions of the book, but it was entertaining to watch. Added on top of all that, I was also entertained somewhat by the fact Fran was sitting next to her Ryan (I stopped using letter references, since I read back to my old posts, and couldn't remember who I actually went out with...talk about fail.). Was a good night, but now I'm just waiting for it to be even better.
Maybe it'll get better tonight, who knows?
Waiting is always the hardest part. But I just need to do it for a little longer. Loves.
Sunday, January 3, 2010 @ 10:23 AM
but i got tired of waiting, wondering if you were ever coming around.
Another year has come and passed, and it's been months since I've updated my blog. Oh well. Let's try and catch up with everything!
GCSE grades were generally good (7A*s, 2As), and IB's been a pain. Been really really busy lately, with all the work and IAs, IOPs, and catching up with stuff in general. It's pathetic how little sleep I've been getting, and I've even been sleeping at 2AM occasionally. It's the first week back from 2 weeks of holiday, and I'm already tired as hell. Heck, I even stayed up until 3 one day to finish a Chem IA (which wasn't even due the next day, ironically.)
But the holidays were good. Beijing was good. Although I didn't get to spend it with friends, it felt nice (higher level English, and the best adjective I could come up with was nice) to escape all the drama and the harsh realities of life (oh dear, I'm starting to sound like Blanche now...). I mean, it was like being stuck in this little separate bubble of mine, with no connection to the normal, hectic life with my classmates. I missed a few peeps like mad, especially F, N, B, P and K, but two weeks still passed relatively fast, especially with my immense amount of sleeping haha. Read a lot of books during those two weeks too, and so it was cool.
Lately I'm preparing for my actual SATs. After getting a 800 for my Chinese SAT (which was pretty easy - I walked in with absolutely no prep at all...), I guess my expectations of myself are pretty high. Especially the fact that I get a new iPod if I manage to get over 2000 points. Ironically, I've been fiddling with my blog and writing this post when I told my mum that I'd be revising SAT material. Ohwell. It'll all work out (I hope). I'll...just focus more during the weekend! Yes, the weekend.
But it's been good to be back to the "normal" life - if anything in my life can be considered to be "normal" - and to be back with friends and back with studies is satisfying to a certain degree. Although there's been a bit too much drama for my liking lately, it's turning out to be a promising start to a promising year. The level 7 I got for my IOP didn't hurt, at all.
Reading Sense and Sensibility, by Jane Austen, and it really is an amazing book. When do we need to use our sense, and when do we need to be passionate and fiery and just do rather than think about the consequences? I think that is still a question that I, myself, need to answer and I definitely need to find a balance between the two. Sometimes I would blurt out the most random things out before thinking it through clearly, and I guess that's probably what makes being friends with me difficult sometimes. Oh well, not my problem. I'm not the one who has to BEAR with myself.
Oh well. Back to doing nothing constructive. I wish he would talk to me instead of just...being online and not talking at all. I envision myself stabbing him to little pieces now.
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Since I'm procrastinating again, I figured I might as well update my blog. I've been sick this morning, with a fever, and I'm still not feeling that well. Except I should go back to school tomorrow (I hate skipping school, especially since we're expected to catch up with a lot of work lately), and I miss my best friends. They kept me company today, since they went online at every opportunity, and I've been asleep most of the time, but I guess it would've been nice to be with them.
I've been kinda pathetic today, moping around and not being very constructive. I'm in one of those moods again, where I tend to get all emotional and want to cry at nothing. I stayed in bed until 2 P.M (despite sleeping at a...well...kinda decent hour), and just basically felt like crap when i woke up, turned around and forced myself to sleep again. Why so miserable? It's not liking I'm going through a bad break-up or anything.Heck, I think a break-up is what's needed. Although, technically speaking, how is a break-up possible when there wasn't a relationship to start with?
Since you're reading this again (whoever you might be), this probably means I have sunken into another completely bored mood, and had some ideas floating in my head that I wanted written down. But more likely it's the boredom factor that's bringing me here again. I always have some ideas filled in my head. But I guess boredom's the main factor that really makes me want to write something down, since blogging serves as some sort of procrastination.
I wonder how long this updating blog on a regular basis will actually keep up. It just feels good lately to spill my heart out somewhere, and typing is just somewhat faster than my stupid notebook (or diary, I guess), and my messy writing gets unbearable after a while. 
Another year has come and passed, and it's been months since I've updated my blog. Oh well. Let's try and catch up with everything!
